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One thing about living in wooded or remote areas that is important to remember is that. Sometimes Mother Nature sends us
unexpected, and occasionally unwelcome guests. Such was a recent “guest” that came to visit our interviewee and
moved into his storage shed.
That guest was a Snake. With a capital “S”. This wasn’t a little garden snake nor was it , thankfully
a rattler or copper head. But it was truly a serpent of biblical proportion. This was the granddaddy of all snakes. A veritable
behemoth of snakedom. Now, living where we do here in Arkansas . We often run across our legless neighbors. We learn to live
with it by watching where we walk and if we see them we try to give them a wide berth. Occasionally someone gets bitten, run
over, or hoed to death. Usually though, both species just try to avoid each other whenever possible and let each other go
on our way unmolested.
The system that the person whom we interviewed for this article has adopted over the years is to extend a personal ‘
NO CRAWL ZONE’ that extends out about four feet from their body. The “NO CRAWL ZONE’ includes anything crawling
OR slithering, and it is a capital offense to enter the zone in a creeping, slithering, or crawling condition , and will result
in the penalty of ‘death by smashing‘. Which is usually carried out in a swift and sure manner.
Occasionally though. The offending crawler may be too large for death by smashing (DBS) to be effective. Such was the case
that our interviewee found himself up against.
The person interviewed for this article preferred to remain anonymous, and is only referred to here as “the Victim”
First Contact
BNA Homestead: When did you first notice the accused slitherer was within the no crawl
zone?
Victim: I was fixin to go into the shed and get some tools to work on our house. I was
just reaching for the hand rail, when out of the corner of my eye I noticed something odd about it.
BNA : I seen the pictures, and that was a very large snake. Yet you say that you didn’t
see it until you almost grabbed it?
Victim: Well I was looking down. That’s where snakes are supposed to be. Down on
the ground. I’ve seen snakes up high before like up in trees, but it’s rare. There’s a whole lot better
chance of stepping on one than of head butting one. Unless your on the river of course.
BNA: Of course. Technically though. If you were the one moving , didn’t you enter
his no walk zone?
Victim: The No Crawl Zone doesn’t work that way. It travels with me. And it doesn’t
matter if you enter it or it enters you the punishment is the same usually.
BNA: Tell me more about this No Crawl Zone. How is the penalty carried out on the offender?
Victim: Usually with a shoe.
BNA: Does the rule apply to every crawler?
Victim: For the most part.
BNA: What if a child crawls into the zone?
Victim: Listen, If a parent doesn’t want their kid smacked with a shoe. Then they
need to keep their sticky little jam smeared crumb cruncher out of the NCZ.
BNA: Ok so the rule is absolute. So what did you do when you noticed the snake?
Victim: Well I knew right away that a shoe wasn’t going to do it. He was just too
dang big. I figured I had better just let him be. I hoped he would just move on after a couple minutes when he realized he
was in danger of breaking the non-aggression pact by threatening the NCZ. I also got out my cell phone to snap a picture of
him for proof.
BNA: And did he move on?
Victim: Well, he moved. But it wasn’t on. It was up. He started crawling up the
wall. By the way. People will tell you snakes cant climb, but that’s a load of hog wash. He scaled right up the side
of that shed like he had suction cups duct taped to his belly.
BNA: What was your reaction when he started climbing up the wall?
Victim: Well I laughed at him. There wasn’t anywhere
for him to go. There wasn’t anywhere anything that size could go up there. So I thought. Then He found a one quarter
inch wide three inch long crack in the soffit and preceded to go right up in there. I would have never believed a snake that
big could squeeze into that small of a crack but he did. And he wasn’t having much trouble either.
The picture above shows the snake in queston. For scale the doorway in the shed is a standard 36 inch wide doorway, about
6 and a half feet tall.
War Breaks out
BNA: So the NCZ has been willfully violated and I assume the non-aggression pact is no longer valid?
Victim: You got that right. It’s one thing to violate the NCZ but to try to set up quarters in
my shed is just way over the line. This DinoSnake had to go.
BNA: so what did you do?
Victim: Well I didn’t know what to do at first. I started trying to find something to kill this
thing with. But you can’t kill a snake from the middle. You gotta go for his head, and his head was already out of reach
inside the shed. So I grabbed a eight foot two by four to pin his body to the shed so I had time to think. But he didn’t
stop he just kept pushing on in, and didn’t even notice that I was trying to stop him. So I did the only thing I could
think of and grabbed him and tried to pull him back out.
BNA: Did it work?
Victim : Well heck no. I was over matched. I’m pretty sure he could have pulled me right on through
that crack along with him if I didn’t let go.
BNA: One thing puzzles me. If he was just a harmless, non-poison snake? Why not just let him crawl
on in, and come out on his own later? Why try so hard to keep him out?
Victim: Just because he’s not poisonous doesn’t make him harmless. He might not be able
, or willing to hurt me. But he can damn sure make me hurt myself. If I’m rooting around in that shed and grab a handful
of snake, or he drops out of the rafters on me, I’d be just as dead as if he fanged me full of poison.
BNA: How so?
Victim: I’ll either drop dead of a heart attack on the spot, or beat myself to death trying to
get out of the shed.
BNA: So How did you get him out?
Victim: Well my first thought was to get him out by burning down the shed. But my wife didn’t
like that idea. But I sure couldn’t leave him in. I needed those tools out of the shed to keep working on the house.
So My mother in law and my wife volunteered to go in and get him out.
BNA: You sent in your mother in law and wife? That’s not a very brave , and I might say. Manly
course of action.
Victim: I didn’t send them in. They volunteered. Besides my mother in law owed me since I killed
two cotton mouths that got into her house.
BNA: If you could go into her house and kill cotton mouths. Why then couldn’t you go into your
shed for a black snake.
Victim: Well, for one there was a matter of shear size, and secondly I knew where the cotton mouths
were. I had no idea where this black snake was. Also. There’s the matter of room. The shed is mighty tight quarters
to work in, especially when you add a snake into the mix. I can deal with a snake out in the open. I have a little trouble
being closed in confined spaces with them.
BNA: Did they get him out?
Victim: No. They couldn’t find him.
The Aftermath
BNA: They didn’t find him? So have you quit using the shed?
Victim: No I still go in there. Just not very much, and I’m very cautious . I doubt he’s
still in there after all this time but one never knows. I wish I would see him out and about sometime.
BNA: So you could carry out his sentence?
Victim: Well you can bet if I catch him out I’m gonna do what I can to kill him, even if I have
to take the chainsaw to him. But I’d really just like to see him out so that I can fix that crack in the soffit that
he used for a doorway.
This interview was conducted by Brian Jett
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